Tuesday, March 3, 2009

blessed be the name

Don't silence the song.  It is the anthem of my heart today--the prayer of my soul. This is a post very different from my usual sarcasm.  I am deeply private but somehow writing this was cathartic for me and, from the storm, it seemed an opportunity to bear witness.

I have miscarried--and we found out yesterday.  I know this comes as a shock to almost all of you.  I have a list of names in my iPhone of who to call to share the good news of our baby.  You hadn't heard of our joy because we were waiting to surprise our parents (which we did--all 4 of them together--on Saturday).  I started bleeding as we left the house to get my parents at the airport.  I smiled through my gnawing worry, and we rejoiced with our family.  Despite the celebration, I started to cramp---and spent the next 24 hours lying down, bargaining with God, praying for the baby's health and God's will.  I was inconsolable, but I clung to Russell's optimism.  By Monday morning, when the bleeding had almost stopped, I had convinced myself that everything would be fine.

Sometimes it's tough to be in medicine; blissful ignorance might have made the realization less harsh because as soon as the ultrasound started, before the Ob made her pronouncement, I could see that it was over.  I felt devastated and dark.  I sobbed into Russell's shoulder--repeatedly. The smiles since then have vieled heartache.  I have been humbled.  It would be lying to saying that I'm over it or to pretend that I understand how that fits in the plan.  But, I trust in a God that is merciful and good.  Somehow my faith has been emboldened and not shattered. 

I am deeply saddened, but I am eternally hopeful. I am disappointed, but I am blessed.  I am thankful for a husband that holds & encourages & remains steadfast as Russell does; we are stronger for having walked this road together.  We are thankful for wonderful friends and family; we have felt your love and healed in your embrace. 

Hence the song. He gives and takes away---and despite the valley, blessed be His name.